I guess the hardest things about hearing the “R” word were the visions I had in my head of people I had seen with mental retardation and those visions weren’t pretty.  The dreams I had for my little girl were NOT going to come true.  I spent years trying to hold it together thinking that once the seizures were under control our baby would flourish. But, those dreams were definitely gone now.

That’s what I was thinking and I know it sounds horrible, but every parent feels that way at first, I know they do.  Who seriously wants this for their child?  Who seriously thinks this is a blessing? Who seriously wouldn’t want it to be different? I had dreams of seeing my little girl in ballet class and walking the halls in high school hand in hand with a young boy.  I even had those visions of her standing in the aisle on her wedding day, scared and excited to start her new life with someone she loves.  But the sad truth was, my little girl wasn’t going to experience any of those things; and that wasn’t fair. I was scared for her. I was petrified for her and what the future had in store.

The world can be a horribly unfair place for someone with imperfections, people don’t understand enough yet. People also make assumptions. How many times have you heard the saying “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree?”  Was my daughter’s label going to impact everyone in the family?  That’s a selfish thought, I know, but it’s a real one. How was this going to impact my little boy? Was he going to be teased and have to spend years listening to people talk about his ‘retarded’ sister and say the same horrible things about him? Would he be able to handle it and would I be able to handle the looks and comments from people that didn’t know any better?

So, how was I going to handle this Truth?  Get over it, just accept it and move on…… I know that’s what I should have done, but hearing that word was like a scarlet letter on my little girl’s chest and mine too for the entire world to see. Who would love her?  Who would accept her?  Who else besides her family would ever love her? Who else except that young Boy and Girl that had started out years ago with all the best intentions?  Every time I looked at her all I could see were the end of my dreams for her.

When I Look at You

When I look at you I think about the way things should have been. When I look at you I think about the ways I must have sinned.

A beautiful child with an imperfect mind; a young mother’s dreams each day unwind.

There are days that pass without any tears; but more often than not the pain reappears.

With daily reminders of the way things ‘should’ be; in the faces of young girls growing happy and carefree.

When I think of you I wonder what the future has in store; a future so uncertain it pains me even more.

I used to dream of pom-poms, of ribbons and of curls, and all the many things that go with little girls.

That dream is gone and in its place is a future I’m unsure of; the path that I’m now taking is both frightening and unheard of.

When I look at you I also wonder why this has to be; why can’t someone else out there be better for you than me?

I haven’t always done my best,

I haven’t always wanted to.

I haven’t always shown it,

But deep inside I’ve loved you.

I know that with each passing day, I’ll find the strength I need,

To see you through your unique life and help you to succeed.

But please forgive the tears that fall when I look at you sometimes.

I’m only crying for the dream that left me years gone by.