We all deserve to know the Truth, right?  I’ve heard it said a thousand times that the Truth is out there.  Sometimes you have to search for it yourself and then be ready for it when you find it.  I was ready to know the Truth about my little girl because now I knew what it was like to have a child that followed all the textbook norms and was ‘typical’.  My parenting skills didn’t cause my daughter’s issues because my baby boy was just fine in my care.  So, what did cause her delays?  Both Boy and Girl wanted the answers and were ready to really “hear” what the doctors had to say.  Bring it on, we can handle anything, haven’t you seen what we’ve already been through?  Guilt get ready because the “Truth” shall set you free!

“So, what is it that you are looking for?  What are you hoping to gain from your visit today?” Those were the words we heard as we sat in the doctor’s office weeks after having our daughter evaluated by a team of specialists at our own expense.  I said we were ready for the Truth and that meant a second opinion from more professionals.  We weren’t unhappy with the medical care our daughter had been receiving; after all she was being seen by a neurologist and a developmental pediatrician and we respected them both.  But, we wanted to hear the words that they never said to us.  We knew that she wasn’t going to catch up and be fine. We knew she wasn’t just ‘delayed’ and we definitely knew that it was more than just seizures. So we went searching for the answers…..and we found them; “Your daughter is mentally retarded.  That means that she is functioning mentally at half her age.  She will always be that way. She won’t go to college or become a doctor, she probably won’t get married and she won’t have a family of her own, but she will graduate from high school, learn to do basic math and have some reading skills.  She’ll need help when she’s an adult and things like dressing, bathing and working will be hard for her to do independently. But, you don’t know what she’s capable of, so keep your expectations high, she might surprise you. Every child with mental retardation is different. I know you’re wondering how it happened, but the truth is that most of the time there is no reason. We really don’t have a way of finding out that information for you.”

Boom! There it was…the Truth….no doubt those were hard words to hear but we needed to hear them. I felt some relief and just kept thinking; thank you, thank  you for your honesty and for finally saying what it was we had been wondering for a long time now.  Yes, those two stupid words hurt when you first hear them, but that’s what it was……..mental retardation.  I remember it really didn’t sink in until an hour or so later when we were sitting at a restaurant after meeting with the doctors. I felt a huge lump in my throat and I fought hard to keep myself from crying. Why was this happening? Boy was there for me once again and he sat quietly with me as tears came down my face right in the middle of that busy restaurant. We didn’t have to speak a word to each other. We just looked into each other’s eyes and held hands. I could see he was feeling the same things; how and why did this happen to our little girl?  The doctors couldn’t answer why, only that there were many reasons for a child to become mentally retarded; maybe it happened during conception, or while in the womb, or maybe during the delivery; maybe the years of seizures and medications caused it.  We didn’t know, well the doctors didn’t know and Boy didn’t know, but I knew in my heart that it must have been something about me; it must have been something I did; I must have been imperfect in some way. Welcome back Guilt, didn’t you hear that the truth would set you free? Why are you back and why do you insist on ruining my life?