That journal kept me sane and was a form of therapy that I desperately needed to survive during those early years. I had always kept my problems to myself; I never knew another way to be. People had their own problems, I didn’t need to burden them with mine and maybe my problems were actually caused by my actions anyway. I don’t know why I kept such a close guard on my feelings when I was around others? But, it was just who I was; don’t make a big deal, don’t complain, don’t worry other people, deal with it yourself.

Writing in that journal also helped me remember all the events of that terrible Thanksgiving seizure. Seeing that little girl hooked up to those machines was a vision I couldn’t get out of my head. I was afraid of it happening again everyday and we were told by her physicians that it most likely would. So they gave us rectal valium to use at home in the event that she had another seizure that wouldn’t stop. We had some sense of security with that medication in our cabinet, but we lived in fear that we’d have to use it. I began watching her like a hawk and I couldn’t relax at all; even when she was sleeping I would check on her a million times, and I’m sure Boy did too.  We were never at ease; and like we had feared she had many more seizures that wouldn’t stop even with that emergency medication.

Again, we found ourselves in the hospital watching her recover from what they called ‘status epilepticus’ and what I called ‘HELL’.  I don’t care what anyone says, you never get used to it and it’s NEVER ok for a child to go through that; nobody’s baby should suffer in that way.  I saw it many more times and I lived in fear of it everyday; but I tied my knots and kept hanging on, that was all I could do. While everyone else was enjoying their carefree lives, I was quietly shedding tears for the one I didn’t have each and every day. I wanted what those ‘other’ mothers had; I wanted a chance for us to be a happy family with ordinary problems.

It’s part of human nature to envy what others have and you don’t; and I envied others often. I tried to do ‘normal’ things like go to the store, take walks to the park, invite other moms over for play groups, take her to McDonalds and the mall playgrounds. But everyone was always looking, always judging, always pointing out to me what she was doing wrong. At least that’s what I thought they were doing in my head; I realize now that sometimes we can be our own worst enemy. I would notice other mothers enjoying themselves, talking to friends while their children played. I could never sit leisurely off to the side; I could never let her leave my sight for fear of what she would do to another child. I felt like I had no one; I had no friends that understood what I was going through; I felt so alone with my problems and there were days that my rope seemed to be frayed in a thousand tiny pieces making it impossible to hang on to.

I was, however, grateful for all the help we were finally getting because I was beginning to doubt whether I could hang on to that rope much longer.  When they told me that my little girl would be able to attend public schools when she was three, I was ecstatic.  Are you kidding me?  Seriously? Someone was going to try to teach her?  What did I do to deserve this?  I was just so thankful, so appreciative, so reassured that someone was going to try and fix what I felt was my problem and my fault.  It kept me going through those long and difficult months following that devastating Thanksgiving.

Something else kept me going as well, because I soon found out that we were expecting another baby.  Again, it wasn’t something that we were planning or even thinking about, our dreams when we were playing house in college didn’t include two children in the first four years.  And, this time it was definitely something I worried constantly about.  I cried often when I was alone and I thought to myself; would this baby have the same problems as my little girl?  Was I defective in some way?  Would I be able to love and raise another child? Am I a good enough mother?  Would I be able to do it with all of our ‘other’ issues? I tried to stay positive through it all but it’s hard keeping those ‘other’ thoughts out of your head.