Seeking solace in something is all part of the coping process.  Perhaps God did have a plan for us and maybe He did choose us for this ‘special’ purpose. It all sounded soothing and at the time it gave us some sort of  explanation for the insanity we were experiencing.  People would say, “God never gives us more than we can handle”, and then they’d smile and say they would pray for us.  They would tell me, “God knows what he’s doing, just trust Him, He picked you for a reason.” So, I started believing them; after all, people had been telling me all my life how patient, sweet, and kind I was.  My mother even nicknamed me “GiGi” because I was such a ‘good girl’. I decided to just accept the fact that I was CHOSEN for this mission. My new job became my daughter.  Our dream of a big house, money, and success would be put on hold and I would leave my job to take this mission on full force. We had no idea how we were going to survive on one salary and I had no idea how I was going to take care of our little girl. But, like everything else so far, we would just have to figure it out.

Figuring it out along the way seemed like a good idea since so many young parents have to do that anyway.  But the parenting books I had read didn’t have instructions on what to do when your child wasn’t the ‘norm’.  So I searched for ‘alternative’ instructions and about that time I found a story online called ,“A Trip to Holland,” written by Emily Pearl Kingsley.  Its message was touching and familiar to many parents of children with disabilities.  Basically this; you may have had dreams of visiting Italy all of your life and that’s what you hoped and prayed for. You learned the language and read the tour books. But, guess what?  On the way there you find out that Italy is closed, off-limits to you, and the plane is landing in Holland instead! No matter how much you protest, you have to get off while everyone else goes to Italy.  But you haven’t learned Dutch and you don’t know anything about Holland, your heart sinks, you cry, you DON’T want to go.  But you have to get off that plane and when you do, you’re lost….where do you go from here?  It’s only after learning about Holland that you realize it’s just as beautiful as Italy with unique windmills and beautiful tulips.  So, there it is, I just have to learn about and love my daughter for who she is and forget about who she isn’t.  It’s a choice and as Marcy Blochowiak says, “You are always only one choice away from changing your life.” So, here I go Life, I am choosing to change you!

I quit my job and became a stay at home mom, even enrolling my baby girl in a Mother’s Day Out Program after her doctor suggested it to help her with social skills and communication.  “This is going to be great,” I told myself.  I read the behavior books and talked to the doctors.  “Be consistent, be firm, establish rules and set consequences,” they would tell me.  I can do this and soon enough she’ll be fine and on the road to ‘normal.’ Thankfully, at about this same time, she was placed on medication to help ‘calm’ her. It worked and calmed her down enough so that she took several short naps throughout the day.  During those times, I could take a breath, relax and regain physical and emotional strength for when she would be awake.  My Little Texas Tornado, flitting from one thing to another; biting, grabbing, hitting, mouthing, screaming, kicking, scratching and generally causing distress wherever she went.  That’s what it was like when she was awake. Sleep, baby Sleep.

Oh, and that Mother’s Day Out idea………what was I thinking?  Once a week I put my daughter and myself through three hours of pain and anguish.  The staff was comprised of wonderful and compassionate individuals with all of the best intentions.  They provided the moms with a parenting class while the toddlers were in the classroom and they even had a mirrored window so us “moms” could see our sweet little angels interact with each other.  I stood there many times watching my little angel grab toys from other kids, hit them, push them, put things in her mouth, climb on the table, and throw herself on the ground when someone told her “no”.  I bit my lip every time and held back tears, because what I really wanted to do was bawl! What I really wanted to do was turn to those other mothers and say, “I know what you’re thinking but I’m not a terrible mother, I don’t know why she’s doing those things, I just don’t know, please don’t look at me, please don’t judge me!”

None of it was fair! Wasn’t this what I was supposed to do as a mom of a toddler? You know, mom’s groups, play dates, mommy and me gymnastics, blah, blah, blah! Wasn’t I supposed to do all that fun stuff as a stay at home mother?  Nope, NOT me, not this GiGi! I wasn’t Chosen for that!  I wanted to scream, but I saved that for when we were at home……..”why can’t you be like everyone else, what’s wrong with you, what did I ever do to deserve you? I hate you, I don’t want you!”  Yep, I said that………..I said all that and more to that beautiful, conflicted little girl, it was all HER fault.  All that stuff about God choosing me and the beauty of Holland, whoever wrote that stuff knew nothing about me and what I was going through!  It was a sick conspiracy to give people like me false hope! Holland stinks and God doesn’t know what the heck he’s doing!  Please just take her away from me, I don’t want this job anymore, I’m the wrong person for this mission. Dear God, I am NOT the CHOSEN one nor do I want to be!