Being lost was a terrible feeling, but there I was, stuck on that plane, wishing desperately to be in Italy and unpacking my suitcase.  Come on; I literally was two thirds of the way there! I could see the Tuscan countryside and the beautiful architecture.  I could smell the sweet grapes on the vine and the aromas of the delicious culinary delights wafting through the air.  But, once again, the pilot announced that we were headed back to Holland while Italy still remained closed. Did I have the strength in me to see the beauty of Holland all over again with this next chapter in our lives?  If things would have stayed “comfortable” with my little girl, then I might have been able to.  But, we were soon to enter another period of very difficult times and Reality and Guilt were going to make themselves cozier than ever before. But, before that would happen, we would celebrate the small things and live in the moment of what I would call “The Middle.”

The transition to middle school started in August of 2002. Our miracle worker for this adventure was Misti.  She was amazing and her idea of educating children with special needs was to treat them no differently than other students.  She set high expectations and had them working on the same things all the other children were working on-modified, of course.  She incorporated ‘typical’ peers into the classroom at every opportunity; which was easy for her since she was the yearbook sponsor, volleyball coach and student government leader.  She was amazing and I was thankful for her each and every day.  Our big girl had been on the ketogenic diet for close to four years and we decided to wean her off the summer before she started middle school. She had done so well for all of those years and we only saw a few seizures during that entire time.

Misti was amazing and at every turn she was providing us with pictures and funny stories about the day’s activities. There were spelling tests, math tests and reading assignments that were part of each and every day. There were community field trips and parties at every turn. It was so much more than I had imagined. One afternoon, I found myself at the school for a meeting and afterward I went to have lunch with my little girl. Misti joined us at the table and when the bell rang to signal the end of the lunch period, I watched as my baby stood up, dumped her trash, put her tray on the counter and walked out of the lunchroom. I turned to look at Misti silently screaming in my head, “Aren’t you going to get up and take her to class? Isn’t there a para that’s going to at least follow her? Are you going to just let her walk out of here alone? Oh my God, woman, do something!” I know Misti could see the anguish and fear in my face. She simply told me not to worry. The other students would help her get to class if she needed it. All I could say was, “Really, she can do it  by herself?” I seriously couldn’t believe that my little girl was able to do any of the things Misti said she could do. I started looking at her differently and I realized that no matter how much I wanted to stop her from growing and transitioning, I was going to have to open my eyes wider and let it happen, and I had Misti to thank for that. She would be the reason I began to trust the world around me to take care of my little girl. She made me start to realize I didn’t have to do it all by myself and that made me a better mother, a better teacher and a better person.  I went home that day and wrote the following words, because writing was the only way I knew how to express my feelings and this time I was feeling HOPEFUL.

Today I saw you differently than I’ve ever seen before; 

Today I saw you make your way all your own down the hall.

Today I caught a glimpse of the young girl you could be; 

Today I felt a weight slowly lifted off of me. 

But, yesterday I never thought I would see you in such light;

Yesterday I cried about tomorrow through the night.

Yesterday I felt the guilt and shame that you were different;

And yesterday what you couldn’t do brought tears and disappointment.

But, Today I know you can do so much more than ever dreamed;

And Tomorrow won’t be as frightening as it had once seemed.

Tomorrow holds a future that gets brighter every day.

Tomorrow you’ll be applauded for your talents and unique way. 

Tomorrow I will look upon with joy instead of sorrow;

For the best is yet to come with the acceptance of Tomorrow. 

I would hold on to the hope that tomorrow would bring me closer to acceptance myself. You see, having a child with a disability brings you around and around to so many emotions over and over again. You begin to accept your child and you “see” the beauty of Holland but something always pushes you backward. Something always brings up the picture of Italy in your head and you end up spiraling downward on your rope; having to climb back up with every ounce of strength you have left. It’s exhausting having to handle all of those feelings and emotions and I’m sure people on the outside looking in just wanted to scream, “Get over it! Accept it and move on! We all have problems, we all have something we struggle with, just deal with it!” And that’s what I did. I continued to smile on the outside. I repeated in my head, “It could always be worse.”

I threw myself into my job and my family and I started changing. I started evolving on the inside. I didn’t want to keep tying knots, hanging on to ropes and wishing to be somewhere else. I had realized years before when searching for answers, that I was responsible for my life and how I wanted to be remembered. So, I started working on building a solid foundation to keep myself on the ground and not hanging from a rope. I started creating a new path that would lead to places I wanted to be instead of waiting on a plane to land “somewhere.” Yes, we all have challenges in life and the solution to surviving comes down to how you “choose” to handle what you’ve been given and how you “choose” to be seen by others. I wanted to make the most of my situation and everything I had learned from the amazing people around me.

Eight years of elementary school were quite the challenge for everyone and when she was ready to move on there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I was scared to death to let that little girl move on to the ‘big, bad middle school’ where she would be an imperfect fish in a big sea. They had taken such good care of her at elementary school and even though she was already older than everyone else, I still wanted her to stay. Everyone knew her and loved her, from the secretary to the lunch ladies. They learned to be patient with her and they knew how to handle all of her ‘quirky’ behaviors without blinking an eye. She was wrapped in a big,  warm, protective blanket, surrounded by people that loved her and now we had to say, “Goodbye.”

Eight years ago a little girl walked into school one day,

Some people wondered how she’d learn; but no one turned away.

Each day they trained her how to act, and gave her skills she somehow lacked.

They even taught her words to read; Her parents knew this an awesome deed.

This little girl gave quite a fight, but no one ever near lost sight.

And with each passing year gone by, her teachers found new things to try.

There are no words one can express, to show these parents’ gratefulness.

There is no doubt this girl was blessed, to be amid such selflessness.

So take these words you see above, and know that you are truly loved.

For all you’ve done for this little girl, and how you’ve changed her parents world.

A part of you will always be,

Inside that little girl of three.

Who now moves on with so much more, 

Than she had had eight years before. 

Despite the fact that I was nowhere near ready for her to leave,  it was time for the “T” Word. It was time to face the transition to middle school. Or, for parents of children with disabilities, it was just another opportunity to think about how different our children were from everyone else.  Just when you get comfortable with everything in your child’s world, change arrives. As parents, we expect our children to grow up and make their way in the world. It’s exciting as we watch them grow, mature and learn to handle the world around them. Elementary to middle school, middle school to high school, getting a driver’s license, graduating, going off to college, dating, getting engaged, marriage, having children, working………somebody stop me before this gets out of hand!  But, when you have a child with a disability, you end up ‘dreading’ those moments because you know they’ll never be what you had imagined. They’ll never be what’s typical and they’ll never ever be easy.  It’s just another announcement from the universe that, “Hey! Wake up! You’re still in Holland! This plane ain’t going to Italy anytime soon!” Silly, isn’t it, but “it is what it is.”

This was our first big transition and I was a complete mess. Thank goodness we had another miracle worker, simply named Misti, ready to take over where the others had left off.  She made sure I understood that my girl was going to a safe place and that she wouldn’t let anything happen to her.  She quickly became another life-long friend and she was able to alleviate some of my fears about my baby heading to middle school.  Mostly, I was afraid that she would start to realize how different she was from everyone else. And then I was afraid of………….EVERYONE ELSE!

In my personal and professional life, I was transitioning as well. I was working hard and discovering that teaching children with special needs wasn’t easy.  I felt such a responsibility to each of them, and their parents, to teach them as much as I could.  The first year was awful.  Despite the fact that I had an amazing mentor, Rose, who had years of experience, I still felt so overwhelmed. She was there for me so many times with answers to my questions, “What do I do? How do I do it? How can I do it? and When is summer?” It was Rose’s sense of humor and patience that kept me together most days, and even though I thought about giving up plenty of times, I never did. I never did because my daughter’s teachers had never given up on her.  She had come so far because they were invested in her education and they never underestimated her potential.  That’s what I held on to with my students and that’s what I saw in all of them………..the potential to learn anything if someone just believed in them and showed them how to believe in themselves.

The rest of the family was moving along and happily transitioning just fine. Baby girl was growing fast and she wasn’t that quiet little baby anymore.  On the contrary, she was talking up a storm to everyone and anyone that listened to her.  I had no fears or worries about her development.  Like her brother, she was meeting all of her milestones and was so bright and quite the social butterfly. She was beautiful and getting compliments from people everywhere we went.  I knew that she would be the little girl of my dreams from many years before. Baby Boy continued to provide us with so much pride.  He was so smart and was reading and writing above level in Kindergarten and first grade.  He participated in sports and  was invited to birthday parties and had friends over to play…..so many of the things that his sister never had been able to do.  There I go again, comparing both of them to HER. But, it was true, they were doing all of the things that their sister wasn’t able to because of her disabilities. And because of that, I felt lost; lost between Holland and Italy ……never feeling comfortable in either place.

I know I’ve said it a few times but I couldn’t have kept myself together without the amazing teachers that worked with my little girl. They were the individuals that were my safety net so many times when I had come to the end of my rope and was about to fall. I had heard that many parents of special education students had problems getting the services that their child needed. They had to ‘fight’ the school districts and teachers on a constant basis; but, I never once felt that way with my daughter’s teachers. They worked hard at teaching her appropriate behavior and giving her skills to help her communicate.  They were miracle workers in my book.  But, more importantly, I thought of them as my friends. What could ever possess someone to choose special education as a profession?  I HAD to take care of her, I HAD to love her, she was MY daughter, MY responsibility, MY concern; but these women had a choice and they chose to help children with disabilities.  And these ‘heroes’ specifically chose to work with children with severe behavior problems and Autism, seven hours a day, five days a week.  That’s not my idea of a dream job.

One of our heroes was named Elaine.  She was my first contact with the world of special education and she taught me so many things.  She knew I was a young, scared and confused mother of a child with so many issues and she fought for me.  I’m sure she went home every day exhausted and tired because of my little one, but she would keep coming up with ideas to break that little girl of some of her most awful behaviors. She also kept me informed about everything they were doing and she gave me ideas of things to do at home.  She kept me on my toes, like a mother would do, but I learned so much from her and gained a world of respect for those in her profession. I became a teacher because of the fortitude I saw in her.

Another hero from those early years was named Maggie.  She was an amazing woman whom my daughter had a special bond with.  She made weekly visits to our home to demonstrate strategies they were using at school so we could implement them at home as well.  She even included “Baby Boy” in many activities, so the entire family bonded with her.  Somehow Maggie could get Lauren to eat her “special” food every day at lunch and she sacrificed so much of her free time to help her, even sacrificing her own body! I became a teacher because of the love and compassion I saw in her.

Paula was the next hero in our insane world. She made me laugh and cry at the same time with her daily writings of my crazy girl’s adventures. She worked tirelessly so that our little girl could be included with her typical peers. She sacrificed her body as well and was there for much of the wrath during those early years! Yet, she loved my little girl and she told me on a daily basis how wonderful she was, despite the awful things she was doing and saying. How could she have still loved her? I became a teacher because of the perseverance and respect I saw in her.

Andrea was another hero we were honored to have. She encouraged me to become a teacher and was my cheerleader during my certification program. When I asked for help, she found the time to provide it. During those early years, there were so many people that were a part of teaching my little girl and Andrea was there for most, if not all, of them. She worked hard at making sure all of her students were safe and loved. I became a teacher because of the dedication and loyalty I saw in her.

I was blessed and I knew it. I truly never worried sending my little girl to school because I knew Elaine, Maggie, Paula, Andrea and so many more were there each and every day. And they wanted to be there.  But, I hadn’t always felt that way. I once worried that no one would love her or want to work with her because she was such a handful, such a stubborn little girl that would drive even the most pious to violence.  That’s why when Maggie passed away suddenly and unexpectedly, we all felt it.  Her death was difficult for the children in that classroom; after all, how do you explain death to children that have difficulties with communication and expressing their emotions?  And how do you explain that Maggie isn’t coming over next week to see us?  Yes, those were difficult weeks and months that we all had to go through.  But, we will always remember her and talk about her accomplishments with each and every child she worked with and loved. The words below were written for Maggie but they were meant for ALL of her teachers. Thank you, Maggie, Elaine, Paula, Andrea and so many more for all you did so many years ago for my little girl.

I sent my daughter to school today,

Not knowing the things that people would say.

She’s different you see,

Not like all the rest,

Even the pious she’d put to the test.

I sent my daughter to school today,

Not knowing the teachers she’d meet on the way.

Would they love her through all kinds of times?

Could they accept her in spite of her mind?

I sent my daughter to school today,

A teacher was there to light her the way.

A teacher whose heart was solid and true,

A teacher whose smile made the laughs come through.

 My daughter is happy in school today.

Because of a teacher who knew what to say.

A teacher who taught her to laugh and to sing,

A teacher who loved her in spite of everything. 

My daughter is safe in school today,

Because of a teacher whose love wouldn’t fray.

Because of a teacher who cared to the end,

And won all our hearts as a very dear friend.

 My daughter’s in school again today,

But Maggie is not I am sad to say.

The answers won’t come,

The reasons aren’t clear.

But one thing’s for certain;

Her Spirit

Will Always

Be Here.

Unfortunately, happily-ever-after was still, for the moment, out of our reach.  There were times when we weren’t exactly one big happy family. When you read the statistics about divorce among parents of children with disabilities, it can be very scary. Raising children can be costly, emotionally draining, and a challenge for even the best individuals; but add a child with a disability to the mix and the recipe for a happy marriage definitely changes.  The grief, depression and guilt can be enormous for one spouse or both.  It’s understandable, after all, the stress can be overwhelming and if one person isn’t happy, what’s the use?  I admit Boy and I had our issues over the years and someone always threatened to leave. And now, with three children in the home, there was a lot of threatening, a lot of slamming doors and leaving……sleeping on the couch……or simply just disappearing through silence.

There were times that Boy probably felt like divorcing me and I wouldn’t have blamed him. He wasn’t at the top of my priority list, in fact, he wasn’t even on it most of the time. The attention he needed wasn’t going to come from me when he had to compete with everything else going on in our house.  Despite the fact that our baby girl was growing and our little boy was amazing, there was still the fact that we weren’t ‘normal’ and ‘typical’ because of the challenges we faced everyday raising our first born; our ‘special’ child.  She continued to struggle in so many areas and even though we knew she was “different” we didn’t know why or even what to expect in the future.  No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t keep her issues from affecting and straining our relationship. And when I looked at her, tears continued to fall for the little girl that she could have been and should have been; but wasn’t. That’s a lot for one person to carry around and deal with alone.

It was never easy and it strained our relationship daily. There were times I thought I would have to deal with all of it on my own.  There were even times I wanted to leave it all behind and run away somewhere. I often resented Boy for the amount of attention he needed and wanted from me; as if I had time for another child to take care of, or worry about, or fight with constantly. It wasn’t only our personal life that was difficult; it was Boy’s job as a police officer that added a bit of oxygen to the burning embers.  When he worked the night shift he wasn’t around enough.  We were always trying to stay quiet or we’d have to leave the house so he could get the sleep he so craved.  And when he was working the day shift, by the time he made it home, he was exhausted from dealing with all the things he had seen and done while on the job that he wasn’t available to us.

I kept so much to myself because I didn’t want to burden him with all of the problems that occurred during the day while he was away or asleep. And, part of me was protecting my little girl. I knew he would want to punish her and I didn’t want to deal with all of that and then have to pick up the pieces after he was finished. I guess I was protecting both of them without even knowing it and carrying the entire burden on my shoulders. There were many times that Boy spent hours and hours in front of the television or computer screen, dealing with his own issues and stressors from his job that I didn’t want to add my problems and feelings too. He’d seen so many awful and terrible things as a police officer. And so, many things just went unsaid….unmet……and misunderstood for so many years.

But what was it about us? What was it about this Boy and this Girl that was different?  I didn’t really know the answer to that question, but I am thankful that Boy stuck around and came back each and every time he left. Maybe he felt obligated in some way, or maybe he just believed that we would get to live our happily-ever-after someday and that he’d have all of my attention……..eventually.  He was always the one working the hardest on our relationship and putting things back together when we were broken. He was always our rock; a police officer during the day and our light house during the night; always pointing us in the right direction. We started out as the three amigos with our little baby girl and we had quickly become a full house.  We continued on with the pursuit of our dream; sometimes feeling like we were so close, but most of the time feeling like it was never going to happen.

Perhaps the scariest obstacle on our pursuit came one afternoon when Boy returned home from a dentist appointment and wasn’t feeling well. I had brushed his comments off as complaining and told him to, “just go lay down,” while I fixed him something to eat. I was trying to keep my big girl busy and happy and his ‘whining’ was a bit of a distraction. I was even enjoying a little break from taking care of baby girl as she was at my mother-in-law’s house for the week. So, when he came home sick, I really didn’t want to deal with it. But, Boy knew that something wasn’t right and when he came out of the bedroom telling me to take him to the hospital, there was no denying that something bad was going to happen….and that’s exactly what ensued. I dropped him off at the emergency room and parked the car with my little girl in the back seat. We both walked into the front doors and the nurse was there to meet us. She took us back to one of the rooms and simply said, “He’s having a heart attack.” What? Are you kidding me? This can’t be happening………my whole world collapsed and I stood there squeezing HER hand with visions of losing HIM consuming my every thought.

Reality and Guilt surfaced once more and I couldn’t make sense of anything that was happening. Was Boy’s stress as a police officer the cause of all of this? Was he dealing with his own guilt and depression about our little girl that I couldn’t see? Was it just another slap in the face from the universe? Why do bad things seem happen to good people? People just trying to do the best they can in this one life they are given? I wish I had the answers to those and so many more questions, but for now I was just thankful that he was alive. When the nurse that took care of him in the emergency room told me that he,  “Must have had an ‘angel’ by his side because he should have died before even getting to the hospital;” I realized how close I came to losing him. I realized how close I came to actually being ‘left’ alone. I may not have shared everything with him but he was there for me. He was the one person that understood everything; the one person that could actually sympathize with me and the one person that I should and could open up to about everything. He became my hero and remains that to this day.

When our precious baby girl finally arrived we were all ready.  She had dark, curly locks of hair, big black eyes and a smile on her face that melted our hearts.  Her brother was so proud wearing his “Big Brother” shirt and holding her in his arms as he sat on the hospital couch. Our ‘big’ girl leaned over smelling her hair and saying she was “booful.” It was a truly precious moment and the memory of that loving family portrait does stick with me.

But, the peacefulness would only last while we were there at the hospital. Once we walked through the doors of our home, Reality made sure that I knew it was still there………no more nurses, no food delivered to your room, no happy visitors with balloons and candy……….it’s all up to you. Boy was there to help, of course, and that’s what he did while I spent most of my time within the four walls of my bedroom. I didn’t want to come out and face the responsibilities of everyday life. And, Baby Girl was demanding at first, yelling at the top of her lungs when she wanted her needs met. Oh, those first few weeks were a barrage of emotions.  How could I do it on my own?

Boy would bring Big Brother and Big Sister into the bedroom to see “mama” and the baby.  They would hug me and say they missed me and Boy would reiterate, “We really miss you, why don’t you come out into the living room and spend time with us?” To which I would simply shake my head, “I’m not ready yet.” Weeks went by and I fell deeper and deeper into depression and self-doubt.  I really didn’t think I could do it all, especially be a mother to all three of them. But what I was really dreading was having to be a mother to HER.  I didn’t want to go back to Holland just yet; just thinking about the ‘windmills’ and ‘tulips’ was overwhelming to me.  But, I knew I would have to, it was just a matter of time and when Boy came in and told me he was going to make an appointment with my doctor because he thought I had something called, “post-partum depression,” I knew it was finally time. I guess I never liked people telling me there was something wrong with me or that I needed help (even if there was and I did). So, here we go, shove those feelings way down deep and get back on that rope. Just hold on tighter, hang on longer and fight harder not to fall off!

Life with three children was definitely different but once Baby Girl was settled and had her needs met to her satisfaction, she was actually very quiet.  She was precious; a chubby little cherub that loved her big brother “Bobo.” While her brother and sister were both in school, we played together and had so much fun. I dressed her up in ribbons and bows and frilly dresses.  I played with and fixed her hair in ponytails and braids.  I delighted in every little thing and loved that sweet baby girl. Holding her, watching her take her first steps, hearing her first words, watching her sleep; all of those things gave me such joy.  I even allowed myself to close my eyes and picture a future filled with every mother’s dreams for their little girl.  I felt it inside my very soul and knew that all of those things would come true for her. She was my little angel; and just like her brother, she saved me. She kept me from letting go of that rope many, many times.

My baby girl; 

My peaceful world. 

Those big bright eyes; 

Those innocent sighs.

That smile so bright;

That soul, such light.

The Beauty in you,

                             so easy to see; 

The Spirit in you,

                                   so vibrant and free.

A mother’s true love;

Forever a part of.

I truly loved every second of every minute with my baby girl and my little man. Being their mother was everything it was supposed to be….it was perfect. I never fretted over their tantrums or fits because they weren’t nearly as dreadful as HERS. I cherished being their mother with every ounce of me. I was happy….I was proud…I was……GUILTY. For so many reasons that didn’t make sense to the outside world, I cried and wept because I felt such guilt and shame over those feelings. A mother should love all her children……but I couldn’t always love HER like I loved THEM…I couldn’t always stop thinking about what it would be like without HER….I couldn’t help looking at HER and seeing all that was wrong with my world. It was a perfect storm of emotions and I never really stopped to deal with any of it …. I just kept moving forward; hoping that someday things would get better and we’d be one big happy family.

That little girl still challenged her teachers each and every day, but she had come so far in just a few years.  We were lucky and we knew it.  We had had some of the most amazing teachers and people in our lives, including our family, and that made all the difference. We continued on with life’s ups and downs and we made the most of every little accomplishment. I continued organizing support group meetings for the Epilepsy Foundation and participating in various meetings and advocacy opportunities. It was a positive distraction for me and I enjoyed every minute.

My connection with the Epilepsy Foundation had started years before when I attended a conference in Houston hoping to learn more about epilepsy and seizures. During one of the session breaks, I noticed a friendly face sitting at one of the parent resource tables and introduced myself. I innocently asked if there was a support group in my area. She smiled and quickly replied, “No, but would you like to start one?” Before I knew it, I had made a life-long friend, named Tracy; and had taken an important step down a path that would lead me to finding myself. I suddenly became a part of something bigger than just my family and my problems. I became part of a community and I was feeling fortunate to finally ‘fit in’ somewhere and I wondered………where else could I fit in?

I started to think more about my life and what I was doing with it.  Was I making an impact, was I making a difference?  What would people say about me when I was no longer around? That’s when I started to think that maybe I could work with children with disabilities, maybe I could teach?  After all, I was enjoying my support group meetings and helping others. Maybe I wasn’t so good at the sharing part, but I was good at the listening and I definitely could empathize with everything other families were going through. Helping others was the one thing that seemed to keep me from dwelling on my own problems and it gave me some purpose for my life and our struggles.

So, could I do it?  Could I become a teacher and help other children like my little girl?  I knew one of my daughter’s teachers at school had gone through a certification program and I had her send me information about it.  She was Andrea Siebert, Miracle Worker #4. She encouraged me and told me she would be there to help if I needed her.  I was thinking seriously about it, was I crazy?   Maybe I should find something else to occupy my mind and my time? And, well, that’s what happened.  Guess what honey, I’m pregnant, AGAIN!  Did I think my life wasn’t insane enough that I wanted another one?

But, honestly, part of me did want another child, another opportunity for happiness, another sibling for my little girl and after all, my little man had been wonderful and easy and all that it was supposed to be.  Maybe it would be a baby girl, but this time the baby girl in ribbons and curls that I had visions of many years before. The little girl that would be in that dance class, walk those high school hallways with her boyfriend and stand in that aisle wearing my wedding dress on her special day.  It was crazy, I know, but it would be one of the best things to happen to all of us.

School Journal Entries:

*August 23rd, 2000: Baby is due October 16! Maybe a couple of weeks before I can send a baby doll and you can talk about babies and being quiet and not sitting on the baby! She was up early this morning so she may be a little wacky!

August 23^rd, 2000:  We will practice and talk to L about babies and how to be quiet and not to sit on her baby sister!  She has been having a good week.  She stayed in her first grade classroom and watched a movie. She is also going to the Resource room with Ms. Ochoa.  She goes for 15 minutes at a time.  She looked a little on the shaky side this afternoon.

   *September 27th, 2000: Thanks for the teacher certification booklets. I picked up this year’s registration packet and will take it November 11th! Now I will just have to study in between baby feedings! Things are still rough at home, especially the evenings and mornings. However, she is getting good at dressing and washing her hands. Please talk to her about how to treat babies. She has been talking a lot about mommy having a baby and getting a baby sister, but she tried to climb into the bassinet the other day and was chewing on the pacifiers!

September 29^th, 2000:  We are having good mornings, not sure why sometimes afternoons are more difficult.  I talked to behavior specialist and she reminded us to completely ignore negative behavior unless it will hurt L or others.  She felt that L was getting something out of our negative comments and attention.  We are going to comment positively the minute she does something good and include her in activities.  So, we have all been trying this and seems to have helped.  We will talk about her new baby sister!

October 24^th, 2000:  L has been showing off her baby sister’s picture and telling everyone she is “booful”.  L’s friends from 1^st grade asked her to play but she wanted to look for birds and squirrels.  They agreed, with help, to look for birds and squirrels with her for one minute, then L would play with them with chalk. 

November 9^th, 2000:  I feel lucky that this diet has been working for her, even though she has to stay on it for a while longer!  She had a good day in Resource today.  She did a good job listening in 1^st grade classroom.

November 21^st, 2000:  What did you give this girl this morning?  It’s the best I’ve seen her color in a while.  She was focused and stayed in the lines of her Indian girl!  She counted money at calendar time today and asked a friend in resource to help her put a floor puzzle together, they worked nicely together.

   *December 4^th, 2000:  She had a great weekend at home!  She went to a Christmas party and saw Santa and danced.  She put two ornaments on the tree (first time she ever participated in decorating).  I passed my teacher certification test, what a relief!

December 4^th, 2000:  Way to go on your test, you did all that studying with a new baby at home?  You go girl!!!  We saw some behaviors today that we haven’t seen in quite some time, defiance and running away. 

   *January 16th, 2001:  Just wanted to let you k now that she complained about the following things hurting her over the weekend; elbow, hand, mouth, neck, ear, foot and mouth. I’ll probably end up taking her to the doctor for something! She was a little rowdy last night and didn’t sleep much. I’m going back to bed with the baby, thanks!

January 24th, 2001:  Today L stayed with her friends in Ms. Ashlock’s class for 20 minutes by herself during circle time! Mrs. Ashlock wanted to try it. Two friends walked her back! She had a good day with Ms. Ochoa in resource today. 

   *February 12th, 2001:  OK, folks! I took L to the doctor Saturday morning to have her checked out and get answers for her neck holding and ear complaining. She was quite enraged at the doctor and we had to hold her down. The doctor said her ears were clear and so was her throat. He couldn’t think of a reason for why she was acting this way except obsessive-compulsive? She complained all weekend about her neck, ear, elbow and hand. She wouldn’t eat and I had to feed her. I’m so confused, I don’t know what this can be except attention but I hope we get passed it!

February 14th, 2001:  She had a very difficult day today, almost like Ritalin wasn’t working. We tried to get her to take her hand off her neck to take a picture, but we weren’t too successful. 

We continued on with the diet; three meals a day and snacks. It was a chore each and every day. There were no stops to pick up Happy Meals from McDonalds when we didn’t want to cook. There was no bag of chips we could open up to keep her occupied when we wanted an easy mid-day snack. There were no school lunches she could just “buy” to make our lives easier. None of those things were an option. Holidays were tricky and we sometimes felt it was easier to keep her away from holiday events that were centered around food. When we were at a holiday dinner, the look on her face when she saw all of the food was a hard pill to swallow. It felt awful telling her “no” all the time; sometimes having to yell and literally smack things out of her hand before she put them in her mouth. I’m not sure she truly understood what was going on and it must have been so confusing for her.

Undoubtedly, the diet was just another phase of our journey that we eventually survived but living through it was another story. She continued to be medication free and her seizures were few and far between. They didn’t completely disappear…….there were times that she would get a hold of something she wasn’t supposed to eat. She would grab a chip or snack off the counter and run to her room before I could even process what had happened and by the time I would find her, she had chewed and swallowed. But, despite those occasional seizures, she remained off her anticonvulsants for several years; almost four, to be exact.

Baby Boy wasn’t a baby anymore and when he started preschool I was amazed by all of his accomplishments.  He was so smart and his teachers loved him. He was so quiet, so well-behaved and so compliant……yep, all those things his sister….wasn’t.  Unfortunately, it’s difficult for a parent of a child with a disability to enjoy the accomplishments of their other children for very long, or at least it was difficult for me.  When I would hear how smart HE was, I would smile and say ‘thank you’ and be so proud, and then go home and cry for HER.  When his teachers would tell me how wonderful HE was, I was thankful and happy for a moment and then I would go home and wonder what happened to HER? Why did I keep doing this to myself and would it ever stop?

But, the truth about my Little Man was that HE WAS amazing and despite everything he had witnessed in the home, he was coping quite well.  I tried to compensate for all of it by giving him more attention whenever I could and I was lucky that I had time during the day to spend with him.  Those were the moments that I truly treasured.  I could finally feel like a mom, a “real” mom, not thinking about making the next meal and not watching every move for signs of a seizure.  I attended his preschool parties and activities and watched him just be happily normal, boringly typical and joyfully just like everyone else. I wanted to spoil him and give him everything that was humanly possible to give someone. Honestly, he saved me in every sense of the word and I was beginning to feel….wait for it……happy.

Things were going pretty good for our little girl; we were getting her involved in different activities for children with disabilities. We were even featured on the Houston ABC News Channel for the Ketogenic Diet and we were becoming a reference for other families. At school our little girl was finally able to attend part of her school day with her ‘typical peers and at the age of seven, she attended a kindergarten classroom for the first time. Ms. Josey, Miracle Worker #3, went with her and gave us entertaining summaries of her daily adventures.  At least they were a little bit better than just a year ago, and you had to laugh at some of the things she was doing and saying. I don’t think I could have survived without seeing the humor in some of our situations. Thank you for that, Paula.

School Journal Entries: Ms. Paula Josey (Miracle Worker #3):

August 31^st, 1999:  Ms. Williams said that L had a great day in speech until she jumped onto the nurse’s bed when she went down to get her medicine.  Ms. Williams was ‘so sad’ and all the way back L kept saying “okay, I say Okay” and “I so sorry”.  We were sad that she couldn’t use the computer when she got back, it was hard to keep a straight face when she was saying, “I be good, I say OK”.

September 21^st, 1999:  Oh my gosh, we have had a total meltdown this morning, doing the total opposite of what’s asked.  We have been through ‘Get Ready’ because she wouldn’t come down out of  the loft, then she told me to “shut up”, and finally she threw her cup of ice on me at snack time because I made her get a piece of ice out of her mouth that had fallen on the floor.  I made her pick up every piece of ice on the floor, which was very hard since it kept melting when she tried to pick it up!

October 15^th, 1999:  She was full of vim and vigor when she got off the bus this morning, so far she looks like she feels better than yesterday.  L was the door closer today in Kindergarten and she got to use the “do so” puppets for the counselor when she came.  One of her kindergarten friends was responsible for the mystery jar this week and it had gummy bears in it, but she brought a sticker for L and two erasers.  Well, Little Bit has started to abuse me again.  She hit me twice today and once yesterday, plus she refused to drink her cream again, Maggie had to sit with her until she would drink it.

November 5^th, 1999:  I know L has played chase with Maggie and other adults, but I’ve never seen her play with the other kids here until today.  She even followed their directions when they added some things to it.  She had a lot of fun!

January 24^th, 2000:  L has been in a very good mood this morning, she did well tracing the papers that I gave her, lots of prompting.  Things kinda fell apart in the pm, she was making loud noises and running in Mrs. Steck’s room so she missed five minutes of computer time.  Her medicine seems to wear off at noon and then we have to wait until one to give her the next dose.  Things are really rough at that time.

February 23^rd, 2000:  We had a little problem this morning when she hit at me.  She was pulling lots of tissues out of a box and when I tried to get it away from her, she swung at me with her ‘mad’ look.  We went into the teacher lounge and I made her sit in a chair.  She kept trying to grab things the whole time and saying “look, look”.  She was also doing that squealing thing.  After about 15 minutes, I told her she would have to show me quiet before we could go back and she said “shhhhh…”  she finally sat quiet for two minutes and we went back to class.  The rest of the morning has been shaky because she doesn’t want to comply much and she even laid out full body on one of the tables and when I let another student use the computer for good behavior, oooh she was mad! The med times are working better, but you never know, some days are better than others.

March 8^th, 2000:  Got off the bus yelling “no” at us this morning and went downhill from there.  By 9:30 we had to leave kindergarten and go back to Andrea’s room, she had tried to put a rock up her nose in the hallway.  Did she have her medicine this morning?

May 10^th, 2000:  That was fun to see L on TV last night.  She’s a star over here!  She must have felt good to get all that special attention just about her diet.  She will probably help other kids that have bad seizures, help them learn about the diet.  You guys looked great on TV too, it was cute when you rode the train and waved at the camera!

May 23^rd, 2000:  Maggie went to a workshop and a woman suggested these squeaky toys to put in L’s shoes to help her walk on her heels and not her toes.  So, she picked up a pair and L had them on today.  Everyone was looking out their doors to see what all the squeaking was about, L thought it was hilarious!  Happy Summer! Hope you don’t hate us for sending her home with her squeakers! 

Those rotten medications were having unreasonable side effects and we were getting desperate to find something to help our little girl. Our neurologist started talking to us about implants, surgery and special diets.  The funny thing was that I had remembered seeing a movie a couple of years before about a medical diet used in the treatment of epilepsy called, First Do No Harm.  I thought it sounded amazing, but it sure looked like a lot of work and I didn’t think I was one of those ‘alternative medicine’ kind of moms and I definitely wasn’t Meryl Streep!  But, luckily, our doctor was in support of the diet and encouraged us to try it.  Our hospital was one of a few in the country starting up the Ketogenic Diet in their neurology department and our girl would be the third patient through their trial. We decided to go for it! Anything would be better than those insane seizures drugs!

I remember the initial stage of the entire process.  We had to check into the hospital for the week so that our little girl could be starved and obtain something they called ‘ketosis.’  It was a rough couple of days because our little one loved to eat; that was the one thing she did without fighting and now she wasn’t allowed to eat anything for two days! We were lucky the hospital had a play room and classroom to keep her busy.  But, man we were exhausted!  We took turns keeping her busy and found comfort at the local Ronald McDonald House with other parents. Once she could finally eat, her meals were measured precisely in grams for the amounts of protein, carbohydrates and fat that she required.  At first they were tiny and she gobbled them up in an instant!  With every meal she had to chug down a cup of heavy whipping cream-not very appetizing to me unless it’s whipped and accompanying a plate of ice cream.  But, we started to wean her off her seizure medications while in the hospital and we didn’t see any evidence of seizure activity.

Thus began the next chapter in our lives.  We were like hip yuppie drug dealers with our little gram scale sitting in our tiny kitchen, weighing all of her foods to meet her diet specifications.  We had to prepare and pack her lunches for school and warn the teachers that if she got a hold of any candy or other foods, she could have a seizure.  It was crazy, but that little girl was wonderful about it and her teachers were so accommodating and patient. We had to try different things with her whipping cream to keep her interested.  So we added food coloring to it, whipped it up, froze it and made it look like ice cream.  We also had to keep our eyes on her even more to make sure she didn’t get into any food that we had in the house. We even had our little man help us out. He would watch his sister and inform us if she was getting into the refrigerator or pantry. “Mommy, Nony is getting a cwacka, look, look.” We felt so bad that we would often wait until she went to bed before eating our own dinner.  We even made up a song that we would all sing to her about her ‘special diet’ so she wouldn’t have “seizures anymore and take that nasty medicine.”

We were happily seeing some improvements in her behavior and she seemed to ‘get things’ much easier. Her language and speech improved and she even looked better and healthier; her face was rosier and her eyes more vibrant. Maybe being off seizure medications freed up her mind just enough to make sense of her world.  She still had to be on medication for her behavior, but we saw fewer problems with her and things were finally more under control.  Our little girl was six, and Baby Boy was three, and we were living for this diet and all the hope that it held for us. Her seizures dramatically decreased and she was making small improvements at school.

School Journal Entries: (Elaine Stephens, Maggie Grove, Andrea Siebert and Paula Josey)

February 8^th, 1999:  Good day-it was hard on all of us not to feed her.  She just looks so much better, behavior has been much improved and she is able to stay focused on an activity for longer than a split second.  Her speech teacher said it was her best speech session for months and we all got big hugs!

February 9^th, 1999:  Everything going just fine.  It was so nice to have the sweet girl again.  She even colors calmer.  She ate lunch in the room with Maggie and went outside when the others had their snacks.  How should we handle the Valentines’ party on Friday?

February 17^th, 1999:  L has been orally spelling her name again, she made an “L”, while coloring she chanted “stay in the lines”, and she told Andrea that she was going to “eat in two minutes”.

February 19^th, 1999:  Maggie and I think she is doing and looking a lot better.  She sat quiet in computer class while the teacher read a book.  Her manipulation of the mouse is getting slower and more precise too.  We have noticed that today and yesterday she has started to bite her shirt, it’s probably related to being hungry, lots of things have been going in her mouth lately.

March 9^th, 1999:  L has had a very good day today.  She has been busy telling us about the many things that catch her interest.  She especially enjoyed listening to nursery rhymes this afternoon.  She ran an errand with Ms. Stephens today and followed directions well. 

March 22^nd, 1999:  She didn’t want to eat her lunch today, but Maggie was able to convince her!  Yes, we will get her dressed up for you so you can get those pictures with Baby Sam!  She has been doing more work independently lately and actually wrote her name-I did not help her!

March 29^th, 1999:  L has been very quiet today and she didn’t have her snacks.  She did a great job in PE.  She worried us a little but maybe she’s so quiet because she didn’t sleep good.  I’m sending you a menu in case you want to match her meals with the cafeteria.  She doesn’t seem to mind that others are eating different food. 

May 6^th, 1999:  She had a really good day although I think she has learned to push my buttons!  I worked in the room at recess and Little Miss decided to stay on the play equipment instead of lining up, she made me come up on the bridge to get her and she was grinning from ear to ear the whole time!  It was hard for me to maintain my MAD face!

May 7^th, 1999:  L had a good day.  Her high school buddies came and she played a game with them.  Her high school buddy said he was really impressed with how well she was talking and interacting with him.  She put a 60 piece puzzle together too!  Maggie is going to be out another week to spend time with her son, it’s been hard on her since her husband passed away.  L asked if she “was coming right back.”

May 26^th, 1999:  Great day, she got a special award from Mr. Garner.  Wish you could have seen her face whey they called her name!

Those bad times seemed to start up again at the beginning of her fourth year in school so she would have been six years old.  Things had been going pretty well and we were even in our very first house.  We were starting to feel like a real family and we were enjoying living in a neighborhood; watching the kids play together while we sat outside talking and laughing with the neighbors. Then her seizures spiked and her behavior went haywire once again.  “Same song, second verse, a little bit louder and a whole lot worse.”  We worked with her doctor and changed her medication for something that was supposed to be “newer” and “better.” I was beginning to dread those words!  Every time we went through a medication change or dosage change it was like that poor little girl was possessed; so here we go again.

Months of wild behavior were simply side effects of the medications to control her seizures and her teachers were smack dab in the middle of it, along with the rest of us. Her little brother was quickly learning that his big sister was different.  He had been through so much with her already and he learned quickly to dodge her arms and legs when she went swinging.  Despite that, he was protective of her and during one of my many angry moments at her, he proceeded to tell me not to yell at her because her “bwain was diffwent.”  Honestly, that boy was only three.

We were all learning to watch what we said around her.  How could she help herself, she was probably being eaten up on the inside. Her teachers were ready at the helm to keep us informed with daily journal entries in her little spiral notebook.  They were diligent in their lookout for seizures and in recording the type of behaviors they were seeing, complete with a sense of humor for all of our sakes. We wrote back and forth in those spiral notebooks often. It was comforting for me to have them to communicate with about my little girl; they understood everything and more. But, even though they ‘understood’ everything, nobody really knew what was going on with my baby girl and even her doctors felt sorry for her. What we did next was to become an important step in the right direction, it was alternative that’s for sure, but nothing else seemed to work with our little girl.

School Journal Entries (Elaine Stephens, Andrea Siebert, Paula Josey, Maggie Grove):

*November 6th, 1998: Well, she was very tired this morning. She’s on a new seizure medication called Topomax-along with everything else. It’s a new drug that’s supposed to be better at controlling her type of seizures. Side effect is drowsiness but I notice that the drowsiness makes her irritable. If this medicine doesn’t work, Lauren could be a candidate for a new implant or surgery or a special diet. Hope you all live through this one! Let me know if you see any changes or any staring.

November 6^th, 1998:  Not as much staring today after she got to school, but they did notice it on the bus.  She has been very impulsive and stubborn, saying “shut up, shut up” and “fa-oo”, and telling us “no kicking” as she’s kicking people.

November 9^th, 1998:  L has had a rough day, lots of trying to bite, hit and pinch herself and she tried to bite Maggie.  Lots of “shut up” and throwing herself on the floor.  She doesn’t seem to be herself today and we noticed a lot of staring off into space.

*November 13th, 1998: We were in Houston and I went to a discussion about Epilepsy. Here is the information about my support group, please hand out to parents that you know. She’s been OK, just having violent eruptions when she’s mad, the medicine makes her drowsy still. 

November 13th, 1998: She was a little scary today and kinda oppositional, lots of shut ups and don’t hit me, etc.

November 18^th, 1998:  L still having problems in PE, maybe over-stimulated or too much freedom, lots of “shut up” and hitting, biting, especially herself and some on Josey. 

November 20^th, 1998:  Very shaky today and also trying to beat me up, pinching, hitting, trying to bite me and lots of yelling “shut up, Ms. Josey”.  I don’t like that new medicine! 

*November 23rd, 1998: Paula, I know what you mean, I guess she has it out for me and you. She’s always hitting me and telling me to shut up. I just can’t understand! I worked this weekend and she was pretty good for daddy…….

November 30^th, 1998:  Sorry you had such a bad Thanksgiving.  Our morning started that way, she was writing on other people’s papers, unfastening her pants in circle time, stood on the chair, constant “shut up”, some hitting.  She had to sit with me.  She kept hitting Frank and had to be removed from the class, she kept saying “shut up mommy.”

*December 1st, 1998: We had lots of hitting yesterday. Her brother fought back! I guess her new annoyance is undoing her pants. She was doing it a lot when we were outside. What’s the best thing to do about all this hitting? It’s driving me crazy, she really will get you hard!

December 1st, 1998: We all agree that something has to be done about the hitting so that is an “undesirable activity.” She should have as little interaction between you and her as possible, it seems to be working here at school for me, but not for Paula. I’m glad that Sam is big enough to fight back but sorry he has to.

December 3^rd, 1998:  L has been very scary today, very defensive and didn’t seem to understand when we talked to her, didn’t eat lunch, she hit a girl in PE and pulled her hair, noticed a lot of nail biting, teeth grinding, and some staring episodes. 

*December 4th, 1998: I’m afraid it is probably all the medicines she’s taking that is making her so crazy. She’s still on her antibiotics for sinus infection so that adds to it. We meet with doctor in early January and I talked to him this week about all the problems. He feels it’s all the drug interactions and wants to give it until our appt, then we will talk seriously about the implant. Keep letting me know about any staring or any strange behaviors. If it gets unbearable, let me know and I’ll call the doctor. It’s been so hard, I know. At home I try not to mess with her, she’s better off if I just let her be (I hate that, but what else can I do?).  

December 16^th, 1998:  Quiet today but very impulsive, unzipping pants, chewing headphones, cut up set of flash cards, and colored on everyone’s pictures.

January 12^th, 1999:  L was really shaky today, I’m not making any demands on her.  There was lots of hitting, starting on the bus.  I’m interested in hearing what the doctor thinks about all of this, let us know.

January 14^th, 1999:  Wow!  It has been a day.  I finally just kept her by me and held her hand.  Bless your heart; I hope you got some rest today.  She was calm when we were working on the computer, but rest of day has been in high gear.

*January 15th, 1999: Elaine, sorry I haven’t written too much lately, as you can imagine it’s been a little hectic! I’ve got Lauren back in pull-ups because for now it’s just one thing we don’t have to mess with. Next week we will be out a couple of days. She’s having another MRI and EEG to check for any changes with this most recent regression. 

“So please excuse the tears that fall when I look at you sometimes; I’m only crying for the dream that left me years gone by.” Poetry and writing were my therapy….my escape….my medicine. Expressing myself in this way helped me deal with many of the emotions and questions I had regarding everything going on with my little girl. One of those questions running around in my mind was; where do we go now?  Now that we know the Truth what do we do with it?  How do we follow the road to happily-ever-after now that it’s broken? I just knew I had to do something besides shedding tears and blaming myself.  I had to pick myself up for the sake of my baby boy and my little girl, they needed me, and they needed a mother that was there for them.  I confess that I swam in a sea of self-pity again for months after her diagnosis, sighing “woe is me” many times. I secretly wished she had some kind of physical handicap or Downs Syndrome or something so people would feel sorry for me and actually “see” her disability. I sat behind the steering wheel with images of driving into a tree somewhere and just ending all the pain.  I had visions of my hands around her neck……Yes, I’m admitting it, those thoughts crossed my mind plenty of times; I’m not ashamed to reveal them, but it’s what I did later that defines me now, not those thoughts or visions.

I couldn’t be the ONLY mom going through this, surely there were hundreds, thousands, maybe more and I wanted to somehow reach out to them. Were my feelings the same as theirs?  Did they live with GUILT and did they cry out when faced with the Truth?  Enough of the self-pity, I made myself tie yet another knot in my rope and I went searching for ‘the others.’ I learned that there were many parents out there, just like me.  I found a home with the Epilepsy Foundation and started a support group in my area so I could meet them.  I was  excited about this new adventure and it occupied my time and my mind.  I was finally thinking about something other than MY problems and I met some wonderful people who helped me discover where the broken road can lead you. Sometimes when faced with a challenge you have to take a leap, other times a step will do just fine.  This was just another step.

Helping others became my new mission.  Nobody chooses my destiny for me; I choose to make my own. The next few months of our lives were a little better despite behavioral setbacks and continuing seizures.  Maybe I was coping and understanding things better, but they seemed better.  My questions of who would love and accept my little girl were answered every day as she walked into the doors of her school.  Her teachers continued to make small strides with her and she was learning to read, write, and behave more appropriately. Her brother continued to amaze me; talking and walking earlier than the ‘norms’.  It was a better time and I started to realize that my attitude was greatly influenced by my thoughts, so I tried to wake up each morning looking forward to the day and not dreading it.

Things didn’t miraculously change all of a sudden, don’t get me wrong. It was still a crazy, hectic, insane life.  There were two kids in diapers, daily medications, those awful seizures, living paycheck to paycheck on one salary, and trying to stay positive from sun-up to sun-down.  It was a chore.  I still kept many things to myself and put a smile on my face whenever I was around others.  These were my problems; I’d deal with them on my own and not burden anyone else.  Even during support group meetings, I listened to other parents share their stories of grief and hardship but I kept mine to myself.  They don’t need to hear my problems; they have enough of their own, and so on.  GUILT was still managing to keep me down. But, at least now I was building a network of support. Just knowing that there were others out there with similar problems helped me make it through many of the bad times that were still yet to come.

Journal Entries: 

August 17, 1997:  It was an OK weekend. You were a little more irritable and your Ritalin took longer to kick in but we said our prayers tonight and when I asked you who you loved you said, “Ms. Grove, Ms. Josey, Ms. Stephens and Ms. Cotton.” I thought you were going to say mama! You also said, “I can’t hear you, use your words.”  You love your teachers. 

September 3, 1997:  Well, you’ve been sick lately so we went to the doctor but he couldn’t find anything….but you are on antibiotics again. You have been difficult, very hyper, jumping around, knocking things over. You put your face in front of Sam’s swing and got a fat lip and scractches on your face. 

November 20, 1997:  You were up early this morning and wound up tight! You’ve been sick again and we have had lots of bad behavior (climbing on the table, grabbing things). The doctor gave us a new medication called Tranxene to use to prevent seizures while you are sick. Every time you are about to get sick, you have a seizure and when you have a temperature. But, this medicine is supposed to make you sleepy, of course you fight it and you’re hyper. 

December 1, 1997:  Wow! What a long weekend and Thanksgiving was quite a trip! When you weren’t stripping or sticking your hands in the pumpkin pie, you were on top of the kitchen table with your hands down your pants singing the Aggie song at the top of your lungs! When Nonna and Gpa left they had big smiles on their faces. Probably happy that they were leaving! I just plopped down with a glass of wine!

May 1, 1998: I haven’t written in so long! Your brother is 2 years old now. We had a big party with 20 people for him and Jake in the backyard on his birthday. You really were good and you just kept to yourself most of the time. You would blow bubbles and walk around the yard singing Barney songs. You are still riding horses and you love it. We were there yesterday and you had a seizure. You were getting hyper and started grinding your teeth and walking around the stables. It lasted about 20 minutes. We took you home to get the valium in you. I’ve been going to conferences for the Epilepsy Foundation and I started meeting some other parents that have children with seizures. So, it’s been pretty busy around here. I’m even going to start working at Wal-Mart in a few weeks. Our neighbor is the manager there and he is getting me a part-time job in the shoe department. It will be good for me to get out of the house and I will make some money so we can do more things and pay more bills. I hope you will be good for your daddy. That’s the only thing I’m worried about!