Doing what’s the most uncomplicated for the family isn’t always fair for everyone. The ‘other’ passengers on that roller coaster sometimes didn’t want to be on it at all, but they had no choice. They were the siblings and Betsy Cohen says the following about them; “Your siblings are the only people in the world who know what it’s like to have been brought up the way you were.” The siblings in this story are two of the most incredible individuals that I know and I’m proud to call them my children.  Of course, being brought up in our house meant that they probably saw things and heard things that confused them, tore them up inside, made them angry or made them cry. I can only assume what they were feeling during some of those crazy times inside the four walls of our home. They were sometimes the forgotten ones in so many situations. Not because Boy and I didn’t love them, but because we were often overwhelmed with caring for their sister.  I know, in this story, I never wanted them to feel like they were forgotten and I gave everything to make them feel special themselves. After all, they were my saviors so many times and they deserved nothing less.

I said I could only assume what they were thinking and feeling but I did have some idea. I had grown up with an older sibling that was disabled, in a way, himself.  I watched my parents for years and years struggle with so many things.  I watched my mother make countless trips to doctors, hospitals, therapists and emergency rooms.  I watched her shed tears for my brother and I laid in my bed many nights trying to drown out the noises coming from the room next door. My brother had been sick since birth, suffering with asthma, allergies and eczema. Then, as a teenager, he struggled in school and with his self-esteem and that led to experimenting with drugs and alcohol. My parents tried everything to help him and sought out counselors and therapists during his adolescence and adulthood. He was learning disabled, had attention difficulties and eventually was diagnosed with depression. As a young man, he unfortunately attached himself to all the wrong people because they offered him acceptance. His use of drugs and alcohol was an escape for him from whatever demons were inside his head telling him he wasn’t good enough. I know because I heard him crying in his room and I heard him telling my mother each and every time he slipped that he was sorry.  He left us at a very young age…….his heart gave out after years of suffering from severe asthma and struggling to breathe. One of the hardest things in the world is to see your mother cry……..it breaks your heart as a child……..and you never recover. Because I knew what that felt like, I never wanted them to see me cry, but I couldn’t always stop that from happening; I was by no means perfect.

The walls of a typical bedroom aren’t sound proof and sadly siblings hear everything. They see and know more than we think they do and they walk around with that baggage each and every day. I walked around with heavy baggage as an adolescent and I’ll always remember what that felt like. I’ll never forget my 15th birthday…..my brother came home late after a night of drinking and smoking with so called friends. He had missed my birthday dinner and celebration. I heard my father yelling, pushing him against the wall as my mother cried for him to stop. As if in a daze, I opened the door and screamed; “Please stop! Don’t yell at him! I don’t care!” My father and mother were both stunned to see me in my pajamas crying for my brother and they stopped, turned around and walked away, leaving us alone together. I went into his room, sat on his bed and told him I didn’t care that he missed my birthday or that he forgot my present. None of that mattered to me. I’ll never forget his words as he put his arms around me;  “I never want anyone to hurt you. I love you Gigi.” Thirteen days later he passed away. I was the sibling that was brought up that way……brought up the same way……the silent sibling that never gave my parents a hard time because I knew they had more than me to deal with and I never wanted to be a burden to them. I never wanted to make my mother cry like that ever again. And I could see that in my children…….there is something to be said about the bond that forms between siblings and the feelings that they have for each other even if nothing is ever said between them.

These two siblings that were brought up in our house were special beyond belief and like so many other siblings of children with special needs, they were compassionate, understanding, patient and wise beyond their years on the outside. But I never knew what they were feeling on the inside. Were they feeling left out? Were they angry at their sister for all the attention she was getting? Were they embarrassed by her when we were out in public and she threw a fit? Were they wishing they had different parents? Were they wishing they had an older sister that was normal? And, were they feeling guilty for even having those feelings? Siblings of children with special needs have so many questions and concerns that seem to never get addressed because we don’t know what to say. It’s hard to even talk about those things……but they need to hear them. They deserve to know the truth and, most of all, they need to know that they shouldn’t be embarrassed by any of their feelings. On the outside these two siblings were wise beyond their years …….but what were they feeling on the inside?

I could only hope that these two silent siblings, Baby Boy and Baby Girl, knew how much they were wanted and how much their parents loved them each and every day.  I was always worried that I wasn’t giving them enough and I didn’t want my problems to become their problems. That wasn’t fair to them. But, I was once given some wise advice. I was reminded that everyone has something to overcome in their life and that sometimes, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Everyone that had ever met THEM, always noticed their kindness and patience. When Baby Boy was dragged around to numerous activities with his sister, he was always complimented by other parents on how mature he was and how compassionate he was. And, when he sacrificed and came home every day after middle school and high school to stay with his older sister without complaining, he showed us that he ‘understood.’ The same is true about Baby Girl. She somehow had a sixth sense about everything; understanding others came easily for her. As a teenager now herself, she drives her big sister around and includes her in activities with some of her friends. Her warmth, compassion and patience go beyond what’s expected of an ordinary sixteen year old. They are both extraordinary beyond words and if they struggled on the inside, nobody would ever have known……except me.  I ‘saw’ them and I knew. I ‘saw’ all that they sacrificed because they were a part of THIS family and I knew that it wasn’t always easy.  Like so many other siblings brought up in untypical situations, they were and are amazing.