Unfortunately, happily-ever-after was still, for the moment, out of our reach.  There were times when we weren’t exactly one big happy family. When you read the statistics about divorce among parents of children with disabilities, it can be very scary. Raising children can be costly, emotionally draining, and a challenge for even the best individuals; but add a child with a disability to the mix and the recipe for a happy marriage definitely changes.  The grief, depression and guilt can be enormous for one spouse or both.  It’s understandable, after all, the stress can be overwhelming and if one person isn’t happy, what’s the use?  I admit Boy and I had our issues over the years and someone always threatened to leave. And now, with three children in the home, there was a lot of threatening, a lot of slamming doors and leaving……sleeping on the couch……or simply just disappearing through silence.

There were times that Boy probably felt like divorcing me and I wouldn’t have blamed him. He wasn’t at the top of my priority list, in fact, he wasn’t even on it most of the time. The attention he needed wasn’t going to come from me when he had to compete with everything else going on in our house.  Despite the fact that our baby girl was growing and our little boy was amazing, there was still the fact that we weren’t ‘normal’ and ‘typical’ because of the challenges we faced everyday raising our first born; our ‘special’ child.  She continued to struggle in so many areas and even though we knew she was “different” we didn’t know why or even what to expect in the future.  No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t keep her issues from affecting and straining our relationship. And when I looked at her, tears continued to fall for the little girl that she could have been and should have been; but wasn’t. That’s a lot for one person to carry around and deal with alone.

It was never easy and it strained our relationship daily. There were times I thought I would have to deal with all of it on my own.  There were even times I wanted to leave it all behind and run away somewhere. I often resented Boy for the amount of attention he needed and wanted from me; as if I had time for another child to take care of, or worry about, or fight with constantly. It wasn’t only our personal life that was difficult; it was Boy’s job as a police officer that added a bit of oxygen to the burning embers.  When he worked the night shift he wasn’t around enough.  We were always trying to stay quiet or we’d have to leave the house so he could get the sleep he so craved.  And when he was working the day shift, by the time he made it home, he was exhausted from dealing with all the things he had seen and done while on the job that he wasn’t available to us.

I kept so much to myself because I didn’t want to burden him with all of the problems that occurred during the day while he was away or asleep. And, part of me was protecting my little girl. I knew he would want to punish her and I didn’t want to deal with all of that and then have to pick up the pieces after he was finished. I guess I was protecting both of them without even knowing it and carrying the entire burden on my shoulders. There were many times that Boy spent hours and hours in front of the television or computer screen, dealing with his own issues and stressors from his job that I didn’t want to add my problems and feelings too. He’d seen so many awful and terrible things as a police officer. And so, many things just went unsaid….unmet……and misunderstood for so many years.

But what was it about us? What was it about this Boy and this Girl that was different?  I didn’t really know the answer to that question, but I am thankful that Boy stuck around and came back each and every time he left. Maybe he felt obligated in some way, or maybe he just believed that we would get to live our happily-ever-after someday and that he’d have all of my attention……..eventually.  He was always the one working the hardest on our relationship and putting things back together when we were broken. He was always our rock; a police officer during the day and our light house during the night; always pointing us in the right direction. We started out as the three amigos with our little baby girl and we had quickly become a full house.  We continued on with the pursuit of our dream; sometimes feeling like we were so close, but most of the time feeling like it was never going to happen.

Perhaps the scariest obstacle on our pursuit came one afternoon when Boy returned home from a dentist appointment and wasn’t feeling well. I had brushed his comments off as complaining and told him to, “just go lay down,” while I fixed him something to eat. I was trying to keep my big girl busy and happy and his ‘whining’ was a bit of a distraction. I was even enjoying a little break from taking care of baby girl as she was at my mother-in-law’s house for the week. So, when he came home sick, I really didn’t want to deal with it. But, Boy knew that something wasn’t right and when he came out of the bedroom telling me to take him to the hospital, there was no denying that something bad was going to happen….and that’s exactly what ensued. I dropped him off at the emergency room and parked the car with my little girl in the back seat. We both walked into the front doors and the nurse was there to meet us. She took us back to one of the rooms and simply said, “He’s having a heart attack.” What? Are you kidding me? This can’t be happening………my whole world collapsed and I stood there squeezing HER hand with visions of losing HIM consuming my every thought.

Reality and Guilt surfaced once more and I couldn’t make sense of anything that was happening. Was Boy’s stress as a police officer the cause of all of this? Was he dealing with his own guilt and depression about our little girl that I couldn’t see? Was it just another slap in the face from the universe? Why do bad things seem happen to good people? People just trying to do the best they can in this one life they are given? I wish I had the answers to those and so many more questions, but for now I was just thankful that he was alive. When the nurse that took care of him in the emergency room told me that he,  “Must have had an ‘angel’ by his side because he should have died before even getting to the hospital;” I realized how close I came to losing him. I realized how close I came to actually being ‘left’ alone. I may not have shared everything with him but he was there for me. He was the one person that understood everything; the one person that could actually sympathize with me and the one person that I should and could open up to about everything. He became my hero and remains that to this day.