When our precious baby girl finally arrived we were all ready.  She had dark, curly locks of hair, big black eyes and a smile on her face that melted our hearts.  Her brother was so proud wearing his “Big Brother” shirt and holding her in his arms as he sat on the hospital couch. Our ‘big’ girl leaned over smelling her hair and saying she was “booful.” It was a truly precious moment and the memory of that loving family portrait does stick with me.

But, the peacefulness would only last while we were there at the hospital. Once we walked through the doors of our home, Reality made sure that I knew it was still there………no more nurses, no food delivered to your room, no happy visitors with balloons and candy……….it’s all up to you. Boy was there to help, of course, and that’s what he did while I spent most of my time within the four walls of my bedroom. I didn’t want to come out and face the responsibilities of everyday life. And, Baby Girl was demanding at first, yelling at the top of her lungs when she wanted her needs met. Oh, those first few weeks were a barrage of emotions.  How could I do it on my own?

Boy would bring Big Brother and Big Sister into the bedroom to see “mama” and the baby.  They would hug me and say they missed me and Boy would reiterate, “We really miss you, why don’t you come out into the living room and spend time with us?” To which I would simply shake my head, “I’m not ready yet.” Weeks went by and I fell deeper and deeper into depression and self-doubt.  I really didn’t think I could do it all, especially be a mother to all three of them. But what I was really dreading was having to be a mother to HER.  I didn’t want to go back to Holland just yet; just thinking about the ‘windmills’ and ‘tulips’ was overwhelming to me.  But, I knew I would have to, it was just a matter of time and when Boy came in and told me he was going to make an appointment with my doctor because he thought I had something called, “post-partum depression,” I knew it was finally time. I guess I never liked people telling me there was something wrong with me or that I needed help (even if there was and I did). So, here we go, shove those feelings way down deep and get back on that rope. Just hold on tighter, hang on longer and fight harder not to fall off!

Life with three children was definitely different but once Baby Girl was settled and had her needs met to her satisfaction, she was actually very quiet.  She was precious; a chubby little cherub that loved her big brother “Bobo.” While her brother and sister were both in school, we played together and had so much fun. I dressed her up in ribbons and bows and frilly dresses.  I played with and fixed her hair in ponytails and braids.  I delighted in every little thing and loved that sweet baby girl. Holding her, watching her take her first steps, hearing her first words, watching her sleep; all of those things gave me such joy.  I even allowed myself to close my eyes and picture a future filled with every mother’s dreams for their little girl.  I felt it inside my very soul and knew that all of those things would come true for her. She was my little angel; and just like her brother, she saved me. She kept me from letting go of that rope many, many times.

My baby girl; 

My peaceful world. 

Those big bright eyes; 

Those innocent sighs.

That smile so bright;

That soul, such light.

The Beauty in you,

                             so easy to see; 

The Spirit in you,

                                   so vibrant and free.

A mother’s true love;

Forever a part of.

I truly loved every second of every minute with my baby girl and my little man. Being their mother was everything it was supposed to be….it was perfect. I never fretted over their tantrums or fits because they weren’t nearly as dreadful as HERS. I cherished being their mother with every ounce of me. I was happy….I was proud…I was……GUILTY. For so many reasons that didn’t make sense to the outside world, I cried and wept because I felt such guilt and shame over those feelings. A mother should love all her children……but I couldn’t always love HER like I loved THEM…I couldn’t always stop thinking about what it would be like without HER….I couldn’t help looking at HER and seeing all that was wrong with my world. It was a perfect storm of emotions and I never really stopped to deal with any of it …. I just kept moving forward; hoping that someday things would get better and we’d be one big happy family.