The one thing that made it easier hanging on to my rope was my Baby Boy. Bringing home that little man was so different than my experiences three and a half years earlier. He seemed to be at ease with everything I did.  It was effortless, peaceful and wonderful.  He thrived and grew and met all of his milestones; despite ear pulling, nose pinching, hair grabbing, back biting and binky stealing that his sister put him through.  Slowly, I began to feel a little more at peace about being a mother and I finally understood how wonderful it could be; after all, my little boy was flourishing and I loved every minute of it.  The times I had alone with him during the day were some of the happiest I had ever had as a mother.

But even during a perfect day with my little man, I still wondered about her day and worried about those seizures happening again, which they always did. After picking her up from school after a seizure one day, I remember just breaking down in front of her teacher with my baby boy on one hip and my little girl on the other.  I remember feeling totally and completely empty, like I could just float away…….I set her down and took her little hand and somehow made it home in a fog.  I just didn’t feel like trying anymore and just like that I wanted to give up.

For days and months I couldn’t escape that feeling. I dreaded getting myself up in the morning because I knew what the day had in store for me. I didn’t want to face the tantrums, the opposition, the defiance and the heartache.  I called therapists and made appointments because I was scared about what I might do to myself and to her, but I never went.  They couldn’t help me anyway. They would just diagnose me as depressed. Hey, no kidding, tell me something I don’t know! And then they would prescribe medication for me so I could ‘deal’ with things better. But then the two of us would be medicated and if this was going to be for the rest of my life I needed to find something else to get me off this rope besides drugs. What I needed was another mission to focus on and that’s when I looked at my Baby Boy, he pulled me right back in and saved me. He gave me the strength to hang on and to even climb that rope just a little bit. Looking into his eyes, I knew I’d be OK, I had to be, for his sake.

Baby Boy

I see love in your big bright eyes; I feel peace there during my dark times.

 I see happiness in your smiles so bright; I feel joy when I look at you at night.

 I see hope in the first steps you take; I feel pride at the strides you make.

 I see life in you and all that you can be; I feel love for you in every part of me.

 What I never knew before as a mother; you’ve shown me each day like no other.

 What I felt as shame many times before; you’ve shown me to be so much more.

 What you’ve done for me you will never know; you were born for a reason all those years ago.