Was my little girl really going to ‘catch up’ like her psychologist assured us. Was she really going to be like all the other children her age? Was my little girl ever going to do anything that other children her age were doing?  What were the other kids her age even doing?  I didn’t really know because my reality had been my daughter and her crazy and delayed development.  Exactly how far delayed was she? The children I had observed at her school were at least able to sit and color and were interacting with each other like typical three year olds, but my little girl was in a special classroom challenging even the most seasoned veteran teachers.  She wasn’t playing with dolls or toys like the other kids, and at recess she was in her own little world, running around on the outskirts of the playground not aware of anyone else.   She cut in front of people for the slide, threw the rocks, put them in her mouth and up her nose, and didn’t talk or relate to anyone.  The other kids were definitely NOT doing those things.  What exactly was going on and was she really going to catch up someday?

The Truth was out there somewhere, but nobody was telling it to me.  Something inside kept eating at me; something inside kept telling me “she’s not getting any better.”  But, for the time being our lives went on, they had to, we were simply too busy to stop and search for the Truth.  My little girl went to school and her teachers would take one step forward and ten steps backwards.  At home, it was the same, daily struggles for attention and control were the norm and I was exhausted and still very pregnant! We finally received the ‘magic little pill’ when doctors decided she was old enough to try Ritalin.  Ah, and just in time for the arrival of “Baby Boy”.  This tiny blue pill helped her maintain some stability and control in her little world if only for a short period of time.  It slowed her motor down and allowed her to ‘think’ about things before she did them.  You could see the change in her sweep across her face when the pill kicked in.  It definitely helped, but it wouldn’t be the answer we had been hoping for; unfortunately, it wasn’t going to FIX her.

March 8^th, 1996:  Hello Big Sister!  So far things have been pretty wild at home with your baby brother.  I think you are a little jealous of him at times.  You are fine when he’s sleeping or in his baby seat, but when mommy is holding him you get very upset and have tantrums (you bit your arm one time). You have a hard time being nice to him and you want to grab him and pull his ears.  Did I mention you are taking Ritalin now?  Twice a day and it has greatly improved your behavior, especially at school.  You are paying attention better and doing better playing with the other kids. 

March 31^st, 1996:  We were in San Antonio last week, you did pretty good over there, nothing got broken.  But, you had a seizure while we were there, the first one in about 3 months.  You were upstairs taking a nap with daddy and he said he had his arm around you and you were acting funny, then you started shaking.  He yelled for me and when I saw you I knew it was a nasty seizure. You were so scared and you wanted to be held.  Afterwards you were a little crazy. 

April 12^th, 1996: The past few weeks you’ve been a little under the weather, so that’s put you in a less than happy mood.  You’re much crankier at school too.  Your tantrums are worse now and you have been banging your head and throwing yourself on the floor screaming.  It’s a little frustrating for us and for your teachers too.  Baby Sam is also cranky and this means that mommy has to hold him more and that makes you VERY upset.  Today we drove around for an hour to calm you down and then we went for a walk.  Your last hour awake was as crazy as ever.  You took off all your clothes and ran around the living room peeing on the couch and floor.  After we finally got you to bed, we went in later to check on you and you were totally naked in your bed, which was wet.  I was too tired to change the sheets, so we just moved you to the other end of the bed.  I’m exhausted. Oh, today during our car ride some nasty things came out of your little mouth.  We were behind a slow person and after I yelled “go” you added “sun-da-beech”.  I’ll let you figure that out when you are older. 

May 11^th, 1996:  Well, today we got permission to give you Ritalin four times a day, twice in school and twice at home.  Your tantrums and hyperactivity are exhausting and we are concerned that you might hurt Baby Sam; even though you love him very much.  You are so excited to see him in the mornings and you want him next to you when you play with your toys. You love giving him “tisses.” You get so excited that once you bit his ear and tonight you left teeth marks on his belly when you were ‘blowing’ on it like mommy.  Sometimes you just don’t realize what you are doing. 

October 21^st, 1996:  Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve written.  It’s so busy with both you and Baby Sam.  You had a seizure in September and about a week later you got very sick.  You were a holy terror!  It was the roughest time we ever had together.  You weren’t sleeping and you would cry, bite, hit, and throw things.  We lost our patience with you so many times, it was hard.  Then you had another seizure when we were at the doctor’s office because you were having a tantrum.  We finally got you better so you could go back to school.  Then your teacher called and said you were having a seizure there at school.  I ran up there, with Baby Sam, to take you home.  We had to increase your seizure medication again, and now you’ve regressed with some of your skills.  The Ritalin you’ve been taking helps, but it only lasts a couple of hours at the most.  The doctors think you might be old enough to try another medication that may last longer, but we have to see about these seizures first. You’ve been doing better with Baby Sam.  You want him to play with you and you will bring him toys and you love to chase him around.  He’s only eight months old and he’s walking already (probably to get away from his big sister!).