Those doubts and worries about having another child subsided a little bit when August finally arrived. I couldn’t contain my excitement when my little girl started school! I was hopeful that things might start to improve now that she was going to get some help from professionals. There she was, sitting on a school bus, strapped into a car seat so she couldn’t run away, but she was the cutest little thing.  I waved goodbye every morning and enjoyed the three hour respite as best I could.  I was amazed at how wonderful her teachers were. Their commitment and understanding of her was incredible. Challenges?  Oh boy, there were many those first few months.  My girl wasn’t about to be told what to do and she announced her dislike of things with fierceness. I continued recording many of the events in my journal.

September 1^st, 1995:  You started school about a week ago.  They’ve been having trouble with you going into tantrums about every fifteen minutes or so.  They were talking to me about getting a helmet for you to wear so you don’t hurt yourself, because you have been banging your head. But now they have set up a corner for you in the room where you can play for ten minutes and then they make you work for two minutes.  This seems to help with your compliance to follow rules.  They’ve also taped you screaming and having a tantrum and they play it for you to listen to and tell you how silly you sound.  The bus has you strapped into a car seat because you were getting out of the seat belt and crawling over all the seat backs, it was dangerous.  We took you to see the neurologist and you were wild in his office.  He is sending us to a psychologist to help us with your behavior and he prescribed another medication to help calm you down. 

December 9th, 1995:  Oh, baby, today I had a conference with your teacher at school.  She said you were making progress, but she told me everything I already knew.  You drove me crazy when you came home today.  Maybe I was upset because you have been bad at school, or maybe it’s being pregnant, but I tried to take you out to the mall and you screamed the entire time we were there.  I tried to sit on the floor and play but all you would do was climb on me and jump on my back and throw toys at me.  I just had to put you to bed early.  I don’t know why you do these things?  I try to give you all my attention, but that’s not enough.  Your teacher said you are like a bucket with a hole in it; every time I fill you up with any kind of attention, it gets emptied and you want more.  We were supposed to meet with a psychologist last week, but they cancelled and now we have to wait another two weeks.  You are driving me crazy.  I don’t know what to do anymore, yelling doesn’t work, spanking doesn’t work, you just like it and then you hit me.  Putting you in your room is good, but we have to drag you up the stairs and lock the door and then listen to you bang forever!  Then, once you are quiet, we have to check on you because you like to poop in your pants and then rub it all over the walls, the floor, and on yourself.  I think you do it on purpose!  Your brother is coming soon and I don’t know if I can do it.  I’m missing out on having a normal three-year old daughter like everyone else has.  I wish you were like the other kids.  I know all the seizures and medication have done this to you.  This Christmas I just want you to get better and for us to figure out how to be a normal family instead of one that yells and screams all the time. 

January 3^rd, 1996:  Happy New Year, we made it home from San Antonio yesterday.  Christmas went pretty good, you got lots of great presents.  Then daddy and Pappa Rock left to go hunting and we hung out with GG and Mamy.  You were a lot of work and you kept us all on our toes, you kept saying “shut up” all the time.  Nonna and Gpa came for a visit and you were pretty bad.  I put you upstairs twice because you were misbehaving so much and both times you messed in your diaper and painted the walls with it! 

January 12^th, 1996:  Today we met with the developmental pediatrician.  She was very nice and now that she’s seen you she’ll be able to help us with your behavior.  She said you had ADHD and Developmental Delay and she feels that all of your seizures have stalled you emotionally at around 12 months of age.  She said intellectually you may be farther along, so we need to slow you down and see and in time she feels that you will ‘catch up’. She kept commenting at how pretty you were and how happy.  We’re going to try a new medication that will help you sleep through the night, yeah!  So, now we can all relax and wait for your baby brother to arrive!  I hope your teachers notice better behavior now that you have new medication.  I’m so excited about our new doctor and I know she will help us.

January 30th, 1996:  Well, we are still waiting for baby brother to come. We are all ready and just tired of sitting around. You’ve been sick all week and also very mischievous. I can’t tell if your new medicine is calming you down but it sure makes you sleep at night! Nobody can wake you up. But, you stay wound up all day and a little on the troublesome side. It’s just that you are very fidgety and restless and you get yourself into trouble. It’s nerve racking especially since I feel so bad lately. I hope this medicine works in time for your baby brother to arrive. I’m ready for you to catch up.